I intend to live forever, or die trying.
I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.
Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.
Time wounds all heels.
Outside of a dog a book is man’s best friend. Inside a dog it’s too dark to read.
Those are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
Here’s to our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
When I was young I was amazed at Plutarch's statement that the elder Cato began at the age of eighty to learn Greek. I am amazed no longer. Old age is ready to undertake tasks that youth shirked because they would take too long.
Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore, I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication.
I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine - we were both crazy about girls.
I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
No man goes before his time / unless the boss leaves early.
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail of it.
I cannot say that I do not disagree with you.
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.